Parenting is a hard job. Raising a tiny human and ensuring they have all the tools to prepare for adulthood is challenging. As a parent, you have to not only provide housing, food clothing to a small person but also have to teach them how to provide for themselves, navigate conflicts and become competent adults.
We often spend a lot of time trying to control our children, make them perform tasks, get good grades, and act in a specific way, and a lot of the things we intend to teach our children will lead them to success. But I have noticed a trend in parenting by observing the adults in my youth and among my peers with children who are expected and held to standards for behaviors that the adults do not even demonstrate to take part in their upbringing. And it pains me to see a child being punished for not being able to demonstrate behavior that they have no example to repeat.
Our children are our mirrors; our children will inevitably adopt ( and possibly spend a portion of adulthood unlearning ) our habits. The best way to teach your child to fulfill the expectations you have set for them is to meet those expectations yourself consistently.
If your expectation is cleanliness, are you practicing those actions yourself? Is your home organized, with everything having a designated place? Do you have a cleaning routine you are following through with? Are you communicating your expectations, the benefits of completing cleaning tasks, or the natural consequences of not following through ("If we keep things, we get to enjoy an open space and find the things we need easily. If we don't, we will have to share living spaces with vermin")?
When setting expectations for our children, we must take accountability for ourselves to ensure we set them up to achieve those expectations.
I am at the root of every solution to every problem I encounter and responsible for creating a solution for them.
As a parent, when my child is not performing as I desire, I look around at the environment I am creating for them and how I can best support them in their success.
To stick to the cleaning analogy (I have ADHD, work Full time, and I'm raising a 7-year-old virtually alone, so maintaining cleanliness is a struggle for my household), a solution to teaching my child to meet my standard for cleaning is to one, figure out what chores are appropriate to his age and tempering my expectations to his abilities (yes I am going to have to go behind him and perfect his attempts at cleaning). Two, complete the tasks with him (I am the leader of my household, not the boss) and teach him while we complete chores together. Three, create a reward system to reward good behavior, as positive reinforcement is the best way to achieve behavior changes.
My general solution for achieving desired behavior from my child can be broken down into three simple steps:
One is teaching- yes, you have to teach your child how to do what you want them to do, sometimes over and over again. The younger the child, the more you will need repetition to help your child thoroughly learn what each task requires.
Two, settings clear expectations- how would you like this task completed, what does it look like done? Determine what is feasible and let your child know what is expected.
Three, rewards- Do you know if the success is measurable? A simple chore chart and gold stars as a bonus can be a great way to maintain and reward consistent completion of tasks.
Lastly, this isn't a step. Just a rule, if you aren't an example of what you expect for your child, they will likely fail in achieving them. Consistency on the parents' behalf will carry over to the child. Lead by example, and your child will follow through.